Why You Should Wear a Helmet


A fellow can scarce read a newspaper lately without being reminded of the imminent collapse of the petroleum economy.

It seems obvious that we will soon be building nuclear power plants at a frantic pace, which (I predict) will forestall the total collapse of civilization by about 15 minutes.

the total collapse of civilization

In light of these pressing matters, people are asking themselves all sorts of questions.

  1. “How much oil is there in ANWR?”
  2. “What is the half-life of Plutonium 239?”
  3. “How many cans of beans will it take to get through the winter?”

These are all perfectly good questions, but I think the question we all really need to be asking ourselves is:

“Can Zombies Ride Bicycles?”

If not, the masses can expect to flee from zombie-infested areas on bicycles.

If, on the other hand, zombies can ride bicycles (perhaps recumbent trikes or some such), then escape will be much more difficult, and you may expect to see widespread hand-to-hand combat (or bike jousting) between humans and zombies.


In either event, any reasonable person can agree that there can be no chance of survival without an adequate supply of bicycle helmets, as either eventuality carries great risk of brain trauma, either my pavement impact or by undead mastication.

Bike Helmet

I know many of you are hoarding rice and ammunition, and some are even starting their own vegetable gardens to try to survive the coming apocalypse.

All the rice and vegetables in the world won’t help you if your brain is splattered on the asphalt, or rotting in the innards of a putrid zombie.

Zombie slayer
Image shamelessly stolen from Post Carbon Comics

Unless you think the Bicycle Zombie Slayer is going to come to your rescue, stock up on bicycle helmets — before it’s too late!

3 thoughts on “Why You Should Wear a Helmet

  1. Kender

    Bone…A zombie discussion with the word “reasonable” in the same post! I think I will stock up on SlimJims and Mountain Dew to ride out the endtimes…no helmet needed.

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