Avoiding Sea Monsters

Low-head dams are very, very dangerous. Under most of these dams, there is a secret cave where sea monsters live, waiting to eat stupid kayakers who get too close.

_{The world’s longest inflatable dam}

When you approach a low head dam, you should get out, pick up your kayak, and walk around the dam, or else you will be eaten by the sea monsters. You should put your kayak in well downstream of the dam, because there are evil backwash currents that will try to pull you back under the waterfall in to secret cave where the monsters live. If this happens, the monsters will eat you.

_{Klinutor and I observe the fabridam}

Most sea monsters have tentacles less than 40 feet long, so as long as you stay at least 50 feet downstream, you should be safe.

_{It very clearly says to stay back 50 feet.}

Once you are downstream, the sea monsters will use their mental telepathy to convince you that there are big-tittie mermaids on the other side of the waterfall. THIS IS A LIE! There is a sea monster on the other side of the waterfall who wants to eat you.

_{Klinutor falls under the spell of the sea monster}

Do not be fooled by the size of the dam. Even small dams can hide large sea monsters. Here we see Klinutor looking for the big tittie mermaids behind a very small dam.

_{Klinutor about to be grabbed by a sea monster}

It is a very tricky business to attempt to rescue someone once the sea monster has them. The sea monster has many tentacles and can deal with multiple opponents simultaneously.

_{Klinutus mounts a rescue attempt}

Using only his kayak paddle and his pungent foot odor, Klinutus successfully rescues his brother from almost certain doom.

Once safely away from the sea monsters, you may relax and enjoy your day on the river.

_{A pretty island in the river}

The Search for the Susquehanna Sea Monster

Brandi and I joined the regular band of idiots, and spent yesterday afternoon on the river. We did not find any sea monsters.

Moonlight Ride

It was too hot and muggy outside to ride today, so I waited for the sun to go down and took the Monkey to the Stony Creek trail.

It gets really freaking dark in the woods. My little 10 watt rechargeable headlight was just barely enough light. I would like to get a nice dynohub system, but all my spare funds are tied up in another endeavor at the moment.

Blackbeard Flag
_{Heave, Ho. Hoist the Colors}

More on this exciting project a bit later…

In the meanwhile, I’ll have to try to decide whether to get the Shimano or the Schmidt hub.

Today: 10 miles
June: 118.5 miles
2007: 609 miles

Buddhism and the Boy Scouts

When I was a boy, I was a member of the Boy Scouts. I probably grew up to be such a tree-hugger because of all the camping, backpacking, and canoeing I did with the scouts.

When I was about 13 years old, I got all atheistic and decided I didn’t want any parts of a club that made me vow to be “reverent,” whatever the hell that meant. So, I quit.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about why it seems like most kids don’t really give two craps about the outdoors. I was wondering if scouting might actually be a good thing. So, I got to thinking; If (hypothetically) I were to have a child, would I want him to participate in scouting?

Would the BSA be welcoming of a non-theistic/Buddhist child in the first place? If one can judge from a cursory reading of the by-laws, it certainly doesn’t look like it.

The Boy Scouts of America maintains that no member can grow into the best kind of citizen without recognizing an obligation to God.
— Bylaws of Boy Scouts of America, art. IX, § 1, cl. 1

Well, there we have it. You can’t be a good citizen unless you believe in God. Apparently, non-theistic children are not welcome in the Boy Scouts. Bummer. Maybe there are secular-humanist-scouts, or Buddha-scouts I could enrole my hypothetical child in.

Just for grins, I typed in “buddhist” to the scouting.org search engine, and I was surprised to see that the BSA does indeed cater to Buddhist children.

Scouting serves an important role in youth development in the Buddhist community. Cub Scout packs, Boy Scout troops, Varsity Scout teams, and Venturing crews chartered to Buddhist organizations can be found throughout the United States. Scouts can participate within units chartered to Buddhist organizations or as members of units chartered to other organizations.

–BSA Fact Sheet on Buddhism

They’ve even got special medals for Dharma, Metta, and Sangha!
Boy Scouts Dharma Award Boy Scouts Mette Award Boy Scouts Sanga Award
_{BSA Dharma, Metta, and Sangha awards}

There appears to be a contradiction in the BSA’s reasoning here. If you have to believe in God to be a scout, and if Buddhists don’t believe in God, then Buddhists shouldn’t be able to be scouts.

So atheists are OK, so long as they’re also Buddhists? Is that really the BSA’s position?! Are there any Buddhist scouters out there who can enlighten (har-de-har) me to what the deal is here?

It’s too bad about all this religious horse shit. The scouts would be a worthwhile organization without it.

Back from the river

Just a quick note to anyone concerned about our well being:

We are back from the river. Everyone lived, nobody capsized.

My digital camera has officially shit the bed. I took one of those disposable waterproof ones along, so pics will have to wait until tommorow night at the earliest.

Klinutus took some digital pics, but his internet connection is currently foobar.

Stay Tuned…

Behind the Scenes

To give my readers some insight into what goes on behind the scenes here at blasphemous.bike, I’m posting an email exchange (slightly edited for formatting) between myself and Mr. Klinutus regarding safety precautions related to a possible kayaking trip this weekend.

Bone wrote:
According to the temp gage in Renovo, the water is sitting around 49F. What’s your safety floor? I’m thinking 45ish?

Klinutus wrote:
Safety floors are for wimps. If the water isn’t frozen I’ll go.

Bone wrote:
BERSERKERGANG!!

Klinutus wrote:
We shall burn and pillage Muncy.

Bone wrote:
I’m going to blog this little exchange to give the blasphemous.bike fans a behind-the-scenes look at how we died.

It’s Getting Cold

I rode in to work today. This is the first time I’ve been on a bike since I hurt my shoulder. It still hurts if I try to shift too much weight to the handlebars. I entertained fantasies of Albatross bars for a while, but I made it.

_{A bike (not mine) with Albatross bars}

It got cold, too. It was about 50°F this morning. I could see my breath and everything.

It looks like kayaking season is pretty much over, unless I get a wetsuit or something, so I’ll prolly be doing more biking. This is the Blasphemous Bicycler, afterall, and not the Pagan Paddler, or the Heretical Hiker.

Pirates of the Susquehanna

Yo Ho, Yo Ho!
A Pirate’s life for me!
We pillage and plunder and we rifle and loot
Drink up, me Hearties, Yo Ho!
We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot!
Drink up me hearties, Yo Ho!

Avast!

Spent Saturday night with me crew swillin’ grog ‘n carryin’ on. Since we already layed waste to all the towns between Lewisburg and Sunbury, and burnt to the ground all the villages between Montomery and Milton on other trips, we left our saucy wenches behind, and set off to put the water between Milton and Lewisburg under the keels and claim the entire lower 23 miles of the west branch Susquehannna river for our own selves. Savvy?

_{This summer’s conquest}

Arrr!

Cap’n Bone, the Klinutor/Klinutus brothers, Stinky (the bilge rat), and the Mad Taoist rounded out me crew.

_{Shiver Me Timbers, Klinutus found a rope swing!}

Treasure was what we was after, an’ treasure we found. In a secret lagoon, we found many a round treasure chest, bearin’ the name of him that buried it there. There was tresure from Cap’n Goodyear, Cap’n Firestone, and the terrible old one-eyed Cap’n Dunlop.

_{Avast! There be buried treasure about!}

Not a bad day’s piratin‘ if I do say so me own self.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho!
A pirate’s life for me!
We’re beggars and blighters and ne’er do well cads!
Drink up, me hearties, Yo Ho!
Aye, but we are loved by our mommies and dads
Drink up me hearties, Yo Ho!
Yo Ho, Yo Ho,
A pirate’s life for me!

Listen to this story (MP3)(ogg)

Tiadaghton

I was planning to do some kayaking over the weekend, but the water level in the river was looking awfully low. Hurricane Ernesto came to the rescue and refilled all the creeks and rivers, even the mighty Tiadaghton Creek (aka. Pine Creek).

Yesterday, Klinutus, Klinutor (Younger brother of Klinutus), Mama-Klinutus (the matriarch of the Klinutus clan), and I decided to make a run on Pine creek before the water went back down.

I had to get up at the proverbial butt-crack of dawn to get up there on time. As butt-cracks go, this one was kind of nice looking.

_{The butt-crack of dawn}

No SUVs on this trip. Who needs an SUV when you have a roof rack and a bit of courage.

_{Fahrvergnügen}

The creek was a mixture of flatwater and some fairly snarly sections.

_{Klinutus and Mama-Klinutus manning the mothership / Snack barge.}

After we came out of a particularly snarly section, I saw a Bald Eagle sitting in a tree. By the time I got my camera out of waterproof storage, we were pretty far downstream, so the picture sucks.

_{A blurry eagle}

One of these days, I’ll get a camera with more than 2 megapixels of resolution…

During his attempt to photograph the eagle, Klinutor got too close to shore and was nearly devoured by renegade Ents reaching over the water. He narrowly escaped impending doom, or impending splinters in any event.

_{Klinutor flees from the Ents}

We covered about 11 miles of the creek all together. Not a bad way to spend a Monday morning.

Day Off

I should be at work right now. I should be in my drab, beige cubicle, filling out reports that no one will ever read, attending meetings that nobody cares about, and making plans that will never be implemented.I did not go to my cubicle today. Instead, I got my kayak out of storage and went to the lake to seek out the Turtle King and ask for his advice.

_{White Bird will know}There are many turtles in the lake, and it is hard to figure out which one is the King. I asked the white bird, but she just flew away.

_{White Bird flew away!}

I asked the ducks. They told me that they would get into trouble for telling me, and that I should ask the goose.

_{Ducks don’t know nothin’}

It took a long time to paddle over to where the geese were hanging out. I asked them if they knew where I could find the Turtle King, but (being French Canadian) would only answer me in French, which I do not speak anyways. They pointed to a rock sticking out of the water. It was completely covered in turtles.

_{Cet idiot recherche le roi de tortue !}

As I paddled up, all the turtles jumped into the water and swam away, except for one turtle. He must be the Turtle King! I asked him “Are you the Turtle King?” “All day long, I have been seeking out the Turtle King in order to ask his advice.”

_{At last, the Turtle King!}

The turtle looked at me and sighed. “The Turtle Nation is not a monarchy, we are an anarcho-syndicalist commune. There is no such thing as a Turtle King, dumbass.”

Discouraged, I paddled back to the car. I will have to seek wisdom elsewhere.

Adam's Blatherings

A never-ending brouhaha of nonsense and crap

Kayaking